Air Force Times
Washington, D.C.- 1 April 2023
The U.S. Air Force announced today that the special military operation conducted by General Merrill McPeak in the '90's resulting in changes to U.S. Air Force regulations, specialty codes, and uniforms will be reverted to the 1986 era.
This move, designed to improve morale, will be implemented immediately and will revert all Air Force Instructions back to "Regulations", which were in place since the end of WWII. Additionally, Air Force airmen, totally confused about ever changing annual physical testing requirements, will now have to run a mile and a half at least once a year, or walk a mile and a half at a brisk pace while smoking a cigarette.
While the new Occupational Camouflage Pattern uniform has been lauded by many, there are new changes afoot. Instead of insignia being "spice brown", it will be "pumpkin spice brown". Due to the negative connotations of the term "coyote", parts of the uniform will now be described as "Labrador Brown" or "Dark Brown Kitty Cat" (depending on personal preference). At no time will such color schemes be refered to as "Ginger" or "Bill D. Cat".
Patrol caps will now include a ventilation hole at the rear of the cap for man-buns (or ponytails).
The instructions/regulations for moustaches (for men, or whatever) will be dependent on specific duties. For example, fighter pilots may be permitted to wear the "Colonel Robin Olds" pattern, however Guy Fawkes, Navy SEAL goatee's, '70's porn 'staches, and "tacticool" beards will be permitted for the rank and file.
On the matter of flight suits and leather jackets, anyone who has ever seen an airplane may be permitted to wear these uniform items. However, aviator sunglasses will be limited to actual aviators.
As for Air Force Specialty Codes, the Air Force Intelligence Agency has determined that adversary nations have finally cracked the current AF specialty codes and badges dating from the McPeak era, and since no historical documentation exists on Air Force websites and on Google, the Air Force will revert to the 1950's era AFSC's with additional shredouts for REMF's, Homesteaders, Ticket Punchers, and "Nonner's".
Finally, the Air Force intends to spend millions of dollars researching the conversion of non-covert velcro closures on the OCP uniform to silent button closures (as was the case on the previous OG-107, OG-507, and Woodland BDU uniforms).
Tactical Velcro Opening Secret
Space Force; FLOTUS Designs Space Force Uniforms