Nuclear Weapons Accidents: How to Become a Media Expert on Nuclear Weapons, Policy, and History!

by Michael H. Maggelet and James C. Oskins

The internet and media swarms with nuclear weapons “experts”, many of whom don’t know the first thing about nuclear weapons, history, deployment, nor safety. Therefore, we've created a simple guide for investigative journalists, prospective authors, and other clueless individuals on how to become a media nuclear weapons expert in a few short months-

1. Have absolutely no background in the nuclear weapons field (this is an obvious first step in being anointed by the press as a nuclear weapons expert).

2. Create a Wikipedia entry promoting yourself as an expert on fast food, the porn industry, and yes, nuclear weapons.

3. Plaster your face all over the internet (see number 2).

4. Issue press releases announcing “shocking” new FOIA documents which have been uncovered through your “exclusive research” (even though they’ve been in the public domain for decades and printed in previous publications or books).

5. Distort the facts from declassified documents, stating the exact opposite of what is actually in the documents. For example, claim that the B53 bomb was “unsafe”, or that the Mark 39 accident weapons at Goldsboro were “one step away from detonation” (knowledge of past accident history, weapons safety features, nuclear safety concepts, and the facts do not apply).

6. Claim that your “exhaustive research” shows beyond any reasonable doubt that nuclear weapons are unsafe, and could detonate from “stray voltage” and at any time (and could “incinerate” the state of Arkansas).

7. Maintain a blog, and delete posts or keep posts “awaiting moderation” for weeks or months if subject matter experts dispute your more enlightened claims of nuclear expertise and impending nuclear doom.

8. Use Left wing media and family connections to promote your new found expertise among celebrities and political activists (Hanoi Jane Fonda included). Demand that the US disarm now, since all nukes could explode near our major cities…

9. Team up with other newly crowned nuclear weapon history and policy experts and, with your vast knowledge and new found celebrity status and literary accolades, proclaim how much you “admire” those in the US military (while in Leftist media interviews bash them incessantly with absurd conspiracy theories about the "national security state" keeping nuclear weapons accidents and incidents "secret").

10. Ignore criticism by uneducated neo-Con revisionists and right wing pundits who conduct personal attacks against your enlightened and educated progressive colleagues (they are obviously war criminals, not to mention Yankee Air Pirates!).

11. And remember it is all about the money, not the facts.